


The Risk You Run

by alwaysgus



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst, F/F, F/M, Femslash, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-09-27
Updated: 2011-09-27
Packaged: 2017-10-24 02:30:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 19,913
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/257913
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alwaysgus/pseuds/alwaysgus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Doctor begins to realize that he may not be the only man in River's life and finds out just how wrong he is.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> THIS BEGAN BEFORE "LET'S KILL HITLER" AND I WAS ABLE TO MAKE ONLY MINOR ADJUSTMENTS TO THE FIRST 6 CHAPTERS SINCE THE STORY ALREADY HAD MULTIPLE FOLLOWERS. AMAZINGLY, IT WON'T CHALLENGE THE NEW INFORMATION THAT MUCH.

"The risk you run, Doctor, in putting us off is that eventually I will get tired of waiting. Who's to say that you're the only being in this entire universe for me? I'm young and quite the charmer. Not to mention, I'm one of a kind too, Doctor. Never forget that."

Those words kept running circles in the Doctor's already crowded mind. He had lived her future, so he knew that he was, in fact, the only man for her. He'd actually seen it for himself. It wasn't pride or conceit to think it; it was simply fact. Without fail, every time they had met in each other's timestreams, she had been waiting on him. She always made it very clear that she'd been waiting, in the way that says "Where the hell have you been!"

So, why had River made that comment? What had changed?

The Doctor turned his eyebrows inward at a disturbing thought. What had he done to change her future? Or what had he not done? Would he have to go back and reclaim River for himself from another man? Perhaps an archaic duel? With an actual gun or sword? Oh, she would just love that, yeah?

He had worked himself up into a serious bother. He needed an interim companion – someone with whom to bounce off his craziness. River had taught him an important relationship war strategy: before ever doing or saying something too over-the-top, in regards to a woman, first one must give it a go with a female mate. The occurrences of slaps to the face or knees to the knackers had been significantly reduced when practicing this stratagem. Because, when honesty had been forced upon him, he had to admit that though he may be a stellar resolutionist when it came to intergalactic turmoil, when faced with the raging passions (both emotional and sexual) of a woman, he was less of a time-traveler and more of a time-fucker-upper.

Well, actually it hadn't been River to impart that nugget of advice, but she certainly benefitted from it. She seemed like the type to be properly pissed to she learn that many of his romances or apologies had been given the okay or tweeked by an outside consultant. But he could argue that the success of the awkward relationship was a testament to the success of this trick. Yet, it only worked when he had a trustworthy companion.

And right now, he needed one. He hadn't seen the immediate need of late, since he hoped River would soon join him on his travels, to invite another companion along. And Amy had been a great resource for nearly all his River woes over the "years." However, this recent development didn't seem to be very appropriate business to discuss with her.

The most recent problem was the timing of their first shag. Her first shag. Well, he assumed it was her first time. Hell, he hoped it was her first time. Surely, it was. She was new in this body,but she'd lived for years before she was River. And how young was twenty-two in Earth years anyway? In female human years? She was quite the initiator and knew all of the ins-and-outs of sex, so it actually came to reason that he had not been her first. He had always thought that they were so compatible in bed (and anywhere else they took a notion to relieve some tension) because they so adored each other and because she had taught him everything she knew so long ago. What if someone else had taught her everything that he knew? What if the Doctor was benefiting from River's practicing with some other bloke, because he couldn't decide when would be the right time!

The Doctor felt suddenly nauseous. He had been shagging with second-hand River. He had decided that this was definitely the case – there was no other explanation. Conclusions had been correctly followed to the leader without any jumping whatsoever.

He leaned against the railing of the TARDIS console, completely at a loss of what to do next. Not only was he concerned about when they should handle their own business, now he had to figure out how to stop River from handling the business of every man in America.

"I wouldn't even know where to start," he whined to himself. How far back should he go? Two months or two years? His hearts started to pound in conflicting rhythms.

Loosening his bowtie, he walked defeatedly over to the console and stared at it, waiting for the answer to slap him across the face, as answers had been known to do from time to time. The Doctor stood there for several minutes, searching for his epiphany. However, no one was handing out free epiphanies at the moment. He rubbed the side of his face, fiddled with a knob or two and folded his arms across his chest. Was he always so useless on his own?

Sex was serious business, indeed. If it happened too early, their relationship could surely suffer. But at the same time, if he waited too late, it might not happen at all. He had no choice but to go back to his last conversation with River and try to get the necessary information, despite her growing frustration with him. At least he knew that her frustration with him at this point in her timestream stemmed from the lack of shagging. He supposed it was as good a place as any to start the investigation. Maybe she would let him back in the house if her looked truly remorseful, which he was. But he sometimes had a hard time trying to pull off being humble.

He began twisting dials and throwing switches, and the TARDIS roared to life. As they spun through time and space, the Doctor's nerves began to calm and his nausea began to fade. He knew that it he eventually had to let go of his last time with her, but now the more pressing matter was who was waiting in the wings if it all fell apart.

He gave very little thought of the promise he'd made to only jump around in their timestream when their lives depended on it. He had no plan of action once he had the information he was seeking. And in his haste to find the right time for the first time, he put it out of his mind that it would also be the last time.


	2. Chapter 2

The TARDIS landed with an unusual thump, and the Doctor glared at the console with suspicion. It wasn't like her to get angry or jealous about River. He had always been under the impression that the TARDIS enjoyed River's company and understood (though he would never admit as much) that she definitely preferred to be flown by River. So, this sudden unpleasantness was off-putting. But he had more pressing matters to which to attend, so he grabbed his jacket and headed out of the door.

And into a broom closet. This was certainly not outside, nor inside, of her house. He spun around to walk back to the console for a location check when the TARDIS tipped itself on its side and dumped him out. The Doctor tumbled out into a heap and stared up at his ship as the door slammed and disappeared from view. Off to sulk, yeah? Well, then…fine, he reckoned. He could do this on his own, he thought as he surveyed his surroundings.

On closer inspection, though there was a broom, it appeared he had landed in some sort of storeroom…of liquor. Three of the four walls were stacked high with bottles of various colour, shape and size. Maybe he was at the university. This could very well be a dorm closet from what he had learned from River's college-life stories. He felt a little more at ease with this realization. It absolutely sounded like a party on the other side of the door.

Until he remembered that he didn't remember this from their last meeting. Which had actually been at her house. Her very not-loud cozy home that didn't also serve as a pub. Where in the hell was he?

The Doctor stood, straightened his jacket and bowtie and opened the door just enough to peek outside. There was a wall. Wood paneled with a brass railing. And an antiquated pay phone, complete with a dingy and tattered hanging phone book. And a haze of smoke.

Either the TARDIS had emptied him into a burning building to finally be rid of him, or he was in a bar. The unmistakable sound of clashing resin balls and the overwhelming smell of cigarette smoke confirmed that he was in a bar, so he slipped out of the liquor closet and hoped to make a quick exit without being noticed. The TARDIS must surely hate him to leave him vulnerable in the American 20th century in a pub. In tweed and a bowtie. No good could possibly come from this.

He watched the pub's patrons for a while to form an efficient and inconspicuous exit strategy. Having decided there was no sure way to go unnoticed, he rounded the corner leading from the dark hall and casually made his way along the walls towards the exit. He looked downward and walked quickly, not realizing that he had caught the eye of several snickering drinkers along the bar. With his hands stuffed deep into his pants pockets, he followed the walls until he came to an abrupt and awkward corner. As he carefully lifted his eyes to assess his progress, he noticed a familiar face at a table tucked away in the far corner.

A familiar face and an unfamiliar face. In fact, an unfamiliar face hidden under a cap. A very manly baseball cap. That was quite close to the very familiar face of one River Song.

So the TARDIS had known what she was doing all along…as usual. Bollocks. He hated to be wrong.

As he glanced around the dark and smoky dungeon, he became acutely aware that many were amusingly aware of him. He awkwardly leaned against the wall as if it was his intention all along to make it to that particular place in the bar. The only problem was that he had found himself embarrassingly close to a rather large woman….well, he thought it was a woman…with a girth as much around as he was tall. On the brighter side, it was a perfect hiding place as long as she didn't turn around. Otherwise, it might be a permanent resting place. Although, he supposed it might appear as if he were trying to snuggle with the woman creature if he remained there much longer.

He needed to be closer to River and that interloping sex thing across the room. But how to get over there without being noticed seemed to be an impossibility. See, now if he had that Stetson, it might be a different story.

The Doctor saw an empty table a few feet from where he was standing and crept towards it as sneakily as possible. He sat there for what seemed like hours as he watched River and The Man. There didn't seem to be anything wildly inappropriate going on. Just a little laughter and some erratic hand gesturing. The man was slight and tall, though he was difficult to size-up while sitting down. His cap seemed to be concealing a rather large head, which caused the Doctor some pleasure until he considered maybe that's what River preferred. Maybe his head was too small. He discretely rubbed his head with both hands. It didn't seem to be noticeably smaller than what was normal for a humanoid head. He would be properly pissed if River left him for this large headed, lanky Earth person wearing an American long-haul transportation cap. There was absolutely nothing cool about this man. This was a man that cool had quite overlooked.

The Doctor inhaled sharply as River reached for one of the man's hands and entwined her fingers with his. He drew a couple of stares from nearby patrons and decided to move a bit closer. He rose from the table and crouched low so as to stay below the depressing lighting throughout the pub. Just as he began to sit at a vacant table, a young couple beat him to the seats. He apologized quietly and quickly sat in the nearest chair. Pleased that he was still unnoticed by River, he spun slowly in his chair, propped his elbows on the table and dropped his chin into his hands…staring directly into the eyes of a woman who could have been his actual age. He looked slightly left at her gentleman friend who appeared even older. "Hello…."

The couple looked at him, the woman rather intrigued and flirtatiously, the man irritatingly. "Son, you're barging in on a first date here," the man growled.

A first date? At their ages? He looked at them inquisitively. First at one, then at the other. "How many more do you think you have left?"

The woman rose suddenly, "Well, I never….." she said as she started for the door. "Thanks, pal," the man replied as his threw a couple of bills on the table. "May you never get laid again!" He hobbled out of the door after his dated date.

Now, under a scrutiny of glares, he smiled weakly and gave a small wave to his onlookers. He returned his attentions to River and the bulbous-headed Earth thing, only to find that they had disappeared. His hearts began to race, and he frantically searched the room for them, unsuccessful.

He turned to the couple behind him. "Did you happen to notice where the couple went that was sitting in that corner there? She was gorgeous, and he had this enormously unflattering head?" Both the man and the woman shook their heads and returned to their conversation.

"Hey, guy?" came a call from the bar. The Doctor looked up to locate the source of the voice in a large leather-faced worn-out looking man. "You talkin' about those two fillies that were in that far corner?"

Though not surprised and rather validated to hear the man refer to River's date as a horse, he was a little irritated that River was also included in the comparison. Maybe it was the mane of hair…"Uh, yeah. Yes, sir," he added, not wanting to question and discourage any information the other man was willing to offer.

"Well, they left while you were insulting those two senior citizens. Walked out holding hands," he answered with a gleam in his eye. "Looked like they were in quite a hurry, if you get my drift." He winked and laughed along with a few other men at the bar.

"Which way did they go?" The Doctor answered, trying to hide his disgust at the patrons' merriment.

"Well, Jack lives just down the block…to the left….If you leave now, you might be able to join them."

Join them? For what? Dinner? Cards? Certainly not….the alternative. The Doctor ran out the door and caught a glimpse of the pair as they rounded a corner, holding hands. He hurried after them, though he had no idea what to do if he caught them. He'd make it up as he went along, he guessed. That had worked out in his favor often….well, sometimes.

Jack, huh? He knew a Jack, which motivated him to run even faster. When he turned the corner, they were nowhere to be found. He turned around, thinking maybe he'd run pass them as he thought on this massive-headed Jack person. They were neither in front of nor behind him.

The Doctor walked a few more feet when a flash of light caught his eye across the street...in an alley. He walked briskly to the other side and snuck up to the alley slowly. He heard soft giggles and muffled talking. He recognized that giggle. He could feel anger and panic begin spread throughout his body before he even slipped around the corner, hidden in the darkness.

"Jack" had River backed up to the wall and was leaving small trails of kisses from her ears down her neck into her cleavage. River let out a low groan and reached up to remove the cap to allow for her own access.

And out of the cap tumbled long, shockingly blond hair that swung down the back of "Jack." River gave a tug to the hair, causing her partner's head to follow backwards. She leaned in and bit her way down "Jack's" neck, eliciting a moan from the…..woman?

The Doctor stood in the shadows, watching the scene unfold, scratching his head and blinking his eyes in rapid succession.

A woman…?


	3. Chapter 3

The Doctor discretely slipped out of the alley and looked around, as if to catch a prankster in the act. Surely, someone was waiting in a shadow for the perfect moment to jump out with a "Gotcha!" River must have seen him in the pub; there was really no other explanation. Humpf, he thought to himself. Any minute now she'll address me in any number of patronizing ways for stalking her.

He slipped back around the corner of the alley and hid in the shadows. The confidence he had only moments before that this was all an act was waning by the minute.

"So, what changed your mind?" Jack asked as she slowly unbuttoned and removed River's top. She tucked a corner of River's shirt inside the waistband of her jeans and feathered kisses across River's clavicle. River tangled her hands in the other woman's thick hair and arched her back into Jack.

"Sometimes, you just want an orgasm forced on you instead of by you…" River reasoned, only half-jokingly. A slow and low seductive sound escaped from the taller, blonder woman.

"Well, Ms. Song, let's hope you aren't disappointed," Jack moaned as River grabbed her from behind and pulled the woman closer. "Why don't we take this somewhere more private?"

The Doctor heard a sharp intake of air, the sound a breath made when sucked in through clenched teeth. It was a sound that was all too familiar to him. That woman made her hiss, he screamed to himself. River wasn't the only person in that alley with a mouth full of clenched teeth.

He felt like a bit of a pervert, even though he could only see the back of the blonde woman and River's face. Maybe if he turned to leave, River would stop him and begin the beratement. Not something he would normally look forward to, but when he considered the alternative, he was prepared for all of the angered and irrational remarks, which were sure to accompanied by a very possible smack to his face or knee to his goolies.

He was yanked from his thought by the sound of River's voice.

"Or we could walk a few feet further in…up under that light near the bin and give anyone who wanders by a proper show…."

The Doctor swallowed his tongue and caught himself as one of his knees gave way.

Any time now….

"My, oh my, River Song…." The words seemed to be sung. "You do know that you are backed up against the door leading into my apartment building? Wouldn't my bed be more comfortable than this dark and dank alley?"

River grabbed the woman's hand and took a finger into her mouth. The Doctor could see her roll her tongue around it before sucking lightly. His brain wouldn't even let him imagine where that finger might have been. Still holding Jack's hand, River began to back up in the direction of the dim light that seemed to be completely out of place in the alley. The seductive sway of her hips told the Doctor that this was not a game. "Might be more comfortable but not nearly as hot…"

Just before he could have a proper nervous breakdown inside his own mind, he heard the faint sound of screeching TARDIS brakes. River must have heard it, too, as she stopped suddenly. "Did you hear that?"

"Uh huh, Ms. Song. All sexy talk, no sexy action…"

River laughed nervously. "No, seriously. You didn't hear a noise like…" River mimicked the moaning of the Doctor-flown TARDIS.

The Doctor was afraid to move with her attention focused near the alley entrance.

"Well, I haven't heard a noise like that…yet…"Jack forced River back up against the wall, raised her hands above her head and brought a knee to press in between her legs. River released a guttural moan. "…but I'll wait for it…."

The Doctor cast a glance sideways and saw a glow on the pavement that wasn't there before. One small misstep and he would reveal himself to the two women. His hiding place had been compromised. He had no choice but to stay put.

There was a loud sudden banging of a door.

"Sounds like we may have company, River," Jack mumbled against River's skin as she twirled her tongue along her neck. "You may get your drive-by audience."

Except the Doctor knew that it wasn't a car door. Nor was it the door to a nearby shop. It was the TARDIS trying to get his attention. And though he couldn't think of a place he'd rather be more than the TARDIS in that very moment, he simply could not move. It was one thing for him to be spying in the context of River's game – that was a confrontation for which he had prepared himself. But to be discovered like a teenager spying through a peephole into the girls locker room with his stick in his hand…well, remaining still and suffering through what was to come was the lesser of the two evils. The TARDIS would just have to wait.

And as much as he willed himself not to, he couldn't help but watch the insanity happen.

As they had walked further into the alley and were now under a dreary light, he could see them both regretfully well. Jack still had River's arms raised over her head and was tracing her tongue along the swell of River's breasts as they heaved in her bra. Any other time, the sight of River's bound chest would cause him immediate arousal…although he had to admit that he was physically and disgustingly responsive to this atrocity.

River groaned small sounds of desire. "Please….." she begged between moans. "Please , Jack…" The pitch of her voice had changed suddenly as she spoke the words into Jack's open mouth, as the woman tantalized River's lips with her tongue.

"Please what, River?" Jack teased. She kissed River just under her ear. "Kiss you here?"

"No…."

She lowered River's arms, keeping their hands clasped and wrapped behind River. She nipped at her bare shoulder. "Bite you here?"

"No….Jack….."

Jack released River hands to unclasp and remove her bra. After sliding the straps down her arms, she added the bra to the clothesline she had started in the waistband of her jeans. Jack traced River's bottom lip with a finger of one hand while the fingers of the other rolled the nipple of one breast. "Pinch you here?"

River shook her head as she captured Jack's finger between her teeth and began sucking on it playfully. She made a motion to free Jack of her top when Jack intercepted one of her hands. The Doctor watched as the hands of both women disappeared into River's skirt. Jack's shoulder rolled forward and River stood on tip toes. Jack's lips danced across River's as she hummed, "Fuck you here?"

The Doctor's mouth was like sandpaper, and his eyes were dry from all the not-blinking. If every light in Florida went black, ensuring him an incognito walk back to the TARDIS, he couldn't be dragged from his hiding place now. He shifted his hands in his pockets, jostling the contents of his pants. He had never seen River as overpowered as she was by this woman. And so willing to do as directed.

"Y…yes, yes…."River muttered against Jack's mouth. The two women kissed with a violent urgency. It wasn't a kiss shared by long-time lovers or even the newly loved. It was its own version of oral sex. It was loud and fast and rough.

Jack used her free hand to tuck River's skirt into itself, revealing the hands making slow motions inside River's panties. Jack hooked a finger inside the purple lace fabric. "How much do you like these?"

"I hate them…"

The sound of the ripping panties caused a stir in the Doctor's pants that he was trying his best to ignore. To watch was one thing, but to participate indirectly was something altogether different.

"You know what I think…." Jack asked a writhing River. She bent her head down to capture a nipple in her mouth. River seemed to be nearing the limits to what her body could handle. The Doctor knew that look well.

"What…." River rolled her hips into the up and down motions their hands made across the throbbing nerves.

"I think….." Jack released the nipple to move to its neighbor, paying it the same wet attention. "….that your orgasm should be forced on you and by you….." River dropped her head as fingers from both her and Jack's hands entered her.

The Doctor stared in sheer amazement as the women's hands coordinated and kept perfect rhythm as they slid slowly in and out of River. Her hips began to thrust into their motions, River aching for them to slide in further. Jack guided their fingers deeper and held them there.

"Oh…my….." was all River could manage as Jack's finger began to make circular motions inside her. The women were forehead to forehead, watching the lust play across each other's faces. "I'm gonna…"

"No, you're not…" Jack withdrew their fingers and took them both into her mouth. River's legs buckled, and Jack caught her before she crumbled to the dirty concrete. "Let's finish this inside," she murmured around River's finger.

"No….now…..please…." River pleaded.

"Honey, you can't even stand now," she leaned in close. "And what I am about to do to you will drain you of any strength you have left, Ms. Song…"

He could barely make out what was being said, but its degree of naughtiness played about on River's face. He wasn't exactly sure when he'd started to rub the front of his pants, but he was rather disturbed at the realization. Though to stop meant dreadful discomfort.

"Jack, I really don't think I can move without losing it…." River confessed.

"Well, we can't have that now, can we," Jack teased. The woman looked around, searching for something.

The Doctor finally caught a glimpse of the woman's face, and she was strikingly beautiful. She had small features, though he supposed they may have only appeared small because of the distance. But regardless, she was herself a gorgeous woman. Just the thought that these two magnificent creatures could bring each other to orgasm without the interference of a man was enough to send him over the edge. It was a thing of beauty in itself.

She turned back to River and planted a kiss on her nose, which infuriated the Doctor. "Stay right where you are."

River giggled softly. "Where would I go exactly?" She collapsed against the brick wall, almost entirely nude but for the skirt tucked into its own waistband. Her body was flushed from the excitement and glowed under the dim lighting.

Jack returned with a small table. "Voila!" She pulled River by the hand towards it. "Sit."

River did as she was told, asking, "Where did it come from?"

Jack unzipped River's skirt down the side and slipped it over her head, placing it behind River on the table, along with the rest of her clothing. "The orgasm fairies. Who the hell knows….and frankly, who the hell cares….slide forward, River…."

That was the exact moment the Doctor ceased to care about propriety. He would wear a scarlet "P" on his chest for the rest of his Time Lordy existence, just to have witnessed what happened next.

Jack guided River's legs over her shoulders and placed kisses along the insides of her thighs. Two of her fingers disappeared into River, and River's head rolled against the wall as she arched her back. Jack hovered right over River's center, and River could feel her breath dance across the moist skin.

"Am I to believe, Ms. River Song…" Jack's tongue swirled slowly around River's swollen clit as she looked into the face of the woman on the table, and continued, "…that you have never had a woman to lick and tease the inside of you?"

"No…I mean, yes…" River cried out softly. Her chest glistened with a fine sheen of sweat and rose quickly with her short breaths.

Jack's mouth completely covered River's core and sucked gently and painstakingly slow on the throbbing bundle of nerves. She released the pressure and trailed her tongue up and down and along her wet folds. "Do you want a woman…" Jack began as she removed her fingers and placed the tip of tongue barely inside River, rolling it slowly. "…to lick and taste the inside of you until you come with a force so strong it scares you….."

"Oh my god, yes…"River begged unashamedly. "And yes, I want it to be you." She answered the unasked question that hung between them.

The Doctor had been afraid to unzip his trousers and call attention to himself, so he continued to stroke his bulge over his pants. His eyes were having a difficult time keeping their focus, which wasn't very bothersome considering the talk itself was going to cause him some embarrassment when he returned to the TARDIS. However, they supported his sight long enough to see Jack's tongue glide into River, and the sound of the pounding of his hearts stopped, as did the actual beating of them, to enable him to hear a desperate and guttural gasp escape from River as the woman's tongue began to move within her.

River buried her hands in the white-blonde hair and bucked her hips into Jack's mouth. She applied pressure to push Jack deeper in, an uncontrollable fire burning inside her. Jack slid her hands under River and rocked her in rhythm with her tongue thrusts. She plunged as deep as she could and flicked her tongue wildly inside, hitting every sensitive spot imaginable.

River released Jack's hair and gripped the sides of the table as her climax rocked through her body. Jack felt her walls contract around her tongue, yet continued licking at her. River began to get cramps in the muscles of her legs and pelvic region as she held the tension necessary to ride out her orgasm. Sweat trailed between her breasts, and the lights inside her closed eyes were blinding. Her body hurt from the pleasure coursing through it, yet she couldn't make it stop.

As River writhed on the table with the force of her climax, the Doctor silently rode out his own, now embarrassed that he had succumbed to something so barbaric and perverse. And even though she couldn't respond, the Doctor had already started to formulate a story to spin to the TARDIS.

River slid back on the table as Jack kissed up her belly, over her breasts, and along her jawline, finally resting on her lips as she transferred River's own taste to her tongue. The kiss was surprisingly gentle and sweet.

"River, you are amazing….." Jack whispered against her lips.

"The same could be said for you, Jacqueline." She brought her hands up to Jack's face and kissed her nose.

"Greatness is inspired…"

River laughed as she reached behind her to gather her clothes. The Doctor saw a moment of disappointment flash across Jack's face as she rose to her feet. She took River's hand and helped her from the tabletop. "Sorry you didn't get your audience…"

"Oh well…." River replied. They walked towards the street, and River stopped in front of the door of Jack's building.

Jack kissed the back of River's hand looked up her. "At least there's no awkward goodbye kiss."

River smiled and leaned into Jack and said with a hushed tone, "Well, I guess only the morning can tell us that, yeah?"

Jack's eyebrows rose at the suggestion, and River opened the door, pulling her in. "I have many swell new tricks to try out…"

The Doctor watched as Jack went inside and River closed the door behind them.

But not before casting a glimpse in the Doctor's direction and leaving him with a wink and a smile.


	4. Chapter 4

The Doctor leaned against the alley wall. One arm supported the other as he rested his head in his hand. He was uncomfortable in his trousers, but he dreaded the walk back to the TARDIS. If the ship was even still there. She was so temperamental of late.

He shook his head and sighed. River had known. Perhaps not from the beginning, but at some point it had become a show. Did she know before she heard the TARDIS, or did the whirling tip her off? She was awfully keen to get under that light, but that was before the Tardis returned…If she did know from the start, was the pause simply a way to let him know that she knew he knew…

The Doctor had seen enough galaxies to recognize an endless circle when one slapped him about knackers, and this was not a riddle he could solve with Time Lordy super-logic. He would not find the answers in a fob watch or a museum. He would have to wrestle with the creator of the riddle.

But not here. Definitely not here.

He reluctantly began the walk back to the TARDIS with an awkward gait as he became more and more uncomfortable in his clothes. He blamed this whole nonsense on that little blue box of his. Did she really think that he would leave the scene of this crime because she determined it was time to pitch off? Such a thing went against his very nature. The closer he got to the TARDIS, the more his anger rose and his embarrassment faded. He had found somewhere to place the blame other than himself. Of course none of this was of any fault of his own!

The angrier he became with the TARDIS, the more determined he was to get to the bottom of what had happened in that alley. Before he could sort out his feelings about it properly, he needed to know whether it was a game of betrayal or an act of betrayal. Was it about him or had it been only about the mysterious blonde? And he didn't know which was worse, nor was he sure that knowing would solve anything.

All he knew is that it was a thing he didn't know. Which made it his business. It was his business to know everything. It's how he kept the universe ebbing and flowing in and around itself. He was always skating across delicate flaky ice; he needed to know where the holes were. And right now, the blank space in his knowing had a name. Actually, two names. And one of the two was going to fill in the gaps. He was going straight to the source…again.

He wasn't sure how, but the TARDIS actually looked disgusted with him. This police box had a loathsome look about it, and he really couldn't care less. There would be no snapping of his fingers to open his ship. He wanted to have the primal satisfaction of forcing the door open and slamming it shut. Possibly the most infantile method of expressing anger, but the cockles of his hearts would be warmed by nothing less.

The Doctor pushed open the door and stepped inside, staring down the console, one hand on his hip while the other held open the door. His breaths were forced heavily through clenched teeth while one of his feet rocked back and forth from toe to heel. He could always feel a battle looming, and the smell of war stunk up the air in the TARDIS. He gripped the door tighter as his breathing deepened and rolled his shoulders to balance out the pressure of the power surging through his muscles. An almost smile began to form at one corner of his mouth.

Just when he had reveled in his anger enough that it sat heavy and comfortable in his soul, the sound of a distant car horn broke his concentration and his grip on the door loosened. Before he could regain control, the door flew from his hand as the TARDIS slammed herself. Almost instantaneously, he sprinted towards the console. He put out both arms and braced himself against the control panel, his hands splayed across the controls. He rocked in and out of his stance, staring directly into the scanner.

"You are going to take me to River, and you are going to take me to the appropriate place in our timestream. To where I intended to go before you dumped me out here and left me to chase down jealousy and debauchery," he said, with an eerily controlled anger as he maneuvered and set the controls.

He pushed back violently when he had finished and walked towards a corridor. It wasn't until he had shed himself of his costume and stepped into the shower that he exhaled a breath he hadn't even realized he had been holding. Under the heat and the pressure of the water, he allowed himself to relax his aching body. Anger may begin in the darkness of the mind, but it wreaked havoc throughout the entire body, playing across every neuron.

After several minutes, his anger subsided and evolved into frustration, dancing on the edge of desperation. He had no idea what he was doing. And this wasn't something he could simply toss about in his brain until it hit the right spot. The sciences and mysteries of the universe weren't so inexplicable when there was over 900 years of experience from which to draw. The complexities of the psyche….well, that was an entirely different beast altogether. He knew how to battle with his wit and his intellect, but he was completely inept to handle this raging storm of hopelessness in his soul. He could fight a battle with his hands and his mind and then see the results of his victory; his satisfactions did not depend on the actions of another. He was the master of his own fate.

Until there was River.

He rarely made a strategical error, and his instincts told him that he was doing it spectacularly wrong at nearly every turn. But he was running out of time, and panic had begun to set in. He couldn't forget the look in her eyes as she begged him to remember her as they were surrounded by the shadows. It was a look of unbearable loss and pain, and he had managed to bury it in the dark corners of his mind while he learned how to love her, what it meant to love her and how it felt to be loved by her. He was desperate to hold onto it, and sometimes when he caught a glimpse of himself in a mirror, the despair he had seen in her eyes in the library stared back at him from the glass. And he was powerless to stop time from moving forward.

The Doctor had all of time in the palm of his hands. He could travel to the very beginning and watch planets form around the tiniest of particle, and he could travel throughout the rest of time to preserve and protect those planets he had watched grow. He had witnessed the destruction of whole races and species and had been the cause of the extinction of too many. There were people, beings, creatures clustered in families and clans, creating their own stories, weaving their lives around the stories of others, and stopping rarely to acknowledge that stories eventually end, even when they are unprepared.

Over the course of his life, he had been a character in the stories of many. The Doctor had loved those who had chosen to give up authoring their own lives and follow him in and out of the lines of his own tale. He had been saddened to watch them leave, one after another, to pick up their pens and continue without him, but he was able to move forward knowing that little pieces of himself found their way into the chronicles of others. Time was woven around the Doctor. He was past, present and future…narratives of fiction, history, and poetry. He was an ode and an epic…this solo traveler in a nondescript blue box gave away tiny measures of himself across time and space. And if one were to collect all of those bits of him into one complete work, it would be true magnificence.

But the Doctor knew that his greatest and truest story would be written in a small blue leatherbound journal…by the only person who had ever been allowed to author his life. And it was a story that would never be told to wide-eyed children, nor would it rebound off the walls of war rooms.

The most important story of the Doctor was coming to an end, and his life only moved in one direction - towards a future without her. He had no choice but to see it through – not unlike many other chapters in his life. However, the difference now was…..did he care what came after? Was there a future when she was his past?

The gentle swaying of the TARDIS stopped and pulled the Doctor from his thoughts. He had spent more time than he had intended under the warm steady streams of the shower. Rubbing his wet face erratically and shaking the water from his hair, the Doctor toweled himself off and stepped into clean trousers. He buttoned up his shirt and rolled up the sleeves to his elbows. Fastening his braces to his trousers, he let the straps fall by his hips, and he emerged from the corridor into the control room, stripped down to the bare essentials - physically and emotionally.

Without saying a word to his longest companion, he walked over to the door and stood quietly. He was no longer angry with his friend. He knew that the TARDIS took him where he was supposed to be and to where he was needed. And as he continued to stare at the door, the powerlessness he sometimes felt at having little control over his whereabouts was insignificant to the overwhelming anxiety he had about seeing River, knowing what he knew about the alley and fearful of whatever had happened since the alley to lead her to explain to him that she had options.

He didn't know if he was prepared to hear her speak of a happiness or a future that didn't include him. There was great and unnerving potential for him to rewrite the entire future of this remarkable woman simply by not knowing what to do. And although he had already lived most of her life with her, the thought that she might live the rest of her life without him was almost too much for him to bear. He needed more time to think it through.

As one of his bare feet made an almost unnoticeable step away from the exit, the door opened quietly, urging him forward to face his greatest test yet.


	5. Chapter 5

He took a breath, pulled the door open wider and reluctantly stepped outside the TARDIS.

And into blinding sunlight. He immediately threw up an arm to shield his eyes from the offensive brightness. He would never become accustomed to being thrown from the mood-lit TARDIS into the brilliant light of the Earth's sun. He rubbed his eyes a bit and tried not squint as he studied his surroundings.

Definitely not River's house.

Again.

The Doctor wiggled his toes as his feet gripped soft grass. It was a cheerful sensation out of place with his melancholy. Hands stuffed into his pockets, he swiveled his body left and right, looking up at several stately buildings. Obviously a university. Most likely River's. Perhaps the TARDIS had returned him a day or two earlier or later to either avoid the argument or give River some time to settle down. She was a wise old ship when the notion struck her. Although it would have been even more helpful if she had dropped him somewhere in a more specific vicinity of River. He wasn't quite in the mood to go on a treasure hunt. Not to mention he was dressed for the intimacy of her home, not the business of the school.

He turned to reenter the TARDIS to make some minor adjustments in his clothing situation when he heard a familiar voice speak up.

"You do know that a world exists below the skyline, right?"

The Doctor dropped his gaze to find a beautiful and preoccupied River Song sitting cross-legged on the ground, almost under his feet, with a book and writing tablet on her lap.

"River…." The word escaped from him quietly, almost like a prayer.

Her hair was pulled back in a loose ponytail that was more efficient than styled. Several curls blew about her face and head as the warm Florida air swirled around them, and a pen was tucked behind an ear. She wore a light pink halter top and a pair of jeans, more casually dressed than he had ever seen her. In one hand she held a pencil and in the other, she twirled a curl of that mesmerizing hair. She had yet to look up at him, and all he wanted to do was pull her up into his embrace and hold her. He was afraid the sound of her voice would cause him to break.

"So, you got monsters in your bedroom now, Doctor?"

"What?" Sarcasm was not very warming to the heart.

River continued concentrating on the text in her lap, but raised a hand and waved it about. "All that. You look like you were chased from the TARDIS before you could finish getting dressed." She lifted her head to look up at him and squinted one eye from the gleaming sun, eyebrows turned inward. "Or did she kick you out again, yeah? She did. You're homeless again. Figures…."

Her face looked tired and troubled, but luminescent at the same time. He had fallen in love with the future River and could never prefer one over the other, but he was always amazed that she seemed to get more and more beautiful as her timestream got shorter and shorter. It wasn't necessarily that she was a bit younger that accentuated her beauty, but her innocence in that body.

Innocence…he was abruptly drawn back to the purpose of his visit.

She had returned to the work in her writing tablet and was paying him very little attention.

"River, do you have any idea what you are doing?" His voice was almost a whisper. He was afraid that by asking the question, she would answer it. Maybe if she didn't hear it, he wouldn't feel obligated to repeat it.

River continued to look downward but had stopped writing. She exhaled a troubled breath and lifted her eyes to his. They looked worrisome and near tears. "Is it that obvious? I thought I could hide it." There was shame in her voice, an admission of guilt.

He knelt down in front of her and tried to keep the stirring emotions out of his voice. "You can't hide anything from me, River. I just want to understand why. Why did you do it?"

"You, Doctor. It's always you. I didn't feel like I had a choice," she explained, watching her pencil as she rolled it between her hands nervously. "And now it's this burden. I can't figure it out. I wake up thinking about it. I go to bed thinking about it. My pencils have no erasers…."

"River, you shouldn't chew on pencil erasers, really. It's a horrid habit."

She raised her eyes to him without moving her head. "Focus, Doctor. This is serious. I need help."

"Help? Like a support group?" This had taken an unexpected turn.

"What? No. Don't be rude," she replied, rather disgusted. "A tutor."

His mouth fell open and several seconds passed before he rose to his feet. He stood, arms akimbo, and stared down at the woman who mocked him unabashedly. "A tutor? For learning what? More? There's more you need to know?"

"Of course not. A tutor for learning less. I'm too damn smart for my own good. I need to be lessened a bit." She stood and tried to raise herself to meet his height, anger and frustration showing up and having a party in her eyes. "Do you know how hard it is to come to you, the Almighty Doctor, and admit that I have a problem? And then you ridicule me? This is all your fault to begin with!"

"My fault?"

"Yes, your fault! I had it all worked out. I put a lot of work into this and knew exactly where I wanted it to go. But, oh no. It had to be perfect to count, right? You never can leave well enough alone, can you?" She bent down to gather up her belongings and began violently stuffing them into a bag.

Incredibly, she had turned this around on him. "Me? I'm to blame? Oh, I hardly think so, Ms. Song. All I did was show up. You did this…all of this!"

River rose and met him furious stare for furious stare. Spinning around hard enough for her bag to catch him in the side, she marched away from him, yelling behind her. "Well, then, guess what, Doctor? I'm undoing it right now. I don't need this from you. My life is hard enough."

The Doctor walked after her, angry and confused as to where it went wrong. How had this become his fault? Because he was trying to figure out how to make their first and last night together unforgettable and perfectly-timed? Being a gentleman was a crime now?

River suddenly stopped and turned around. She hurriedly rummaged in her bag, pulled out a book and hurled it at him. "And you can take this with you, you bastard. I hope you and it and the TARDIS have a fantastic time. Stay away from me!" Her voice was quaking with the threat of tears, and she ran across the lawn.

"River! Wait!" He hurried after her but she had disappeared into the crowd. He walked defeatedly back to the discarded book and picked it up. "Oh, no. It can't be," he said to no one but himself.

Physics.

But that meant…

He sprinted in the direction in which River had fled. He knew exactly where to eventually find her.

Obviously the TARDIS was taking every opportunity to make an absolute fool of him. He had, in fact, found River before their fight in her apartment…six, maybe seven months before!

If memory served him correctly, they had not even begun...well, dating...yet. He may have just removed the need to even have a conversation about the alley, or any other relationship nonsense, for that matter.

The Doctor took the steps into her dorm building two at a time and ran down the hall to her room. He knocked politely and waited with forced patience. After no response, he knocked a little louder and called her name. Nothing.

"You know I can get in there, River. But I wish you would let me in," he pleaded. No answer. "Don't say I didn't warn you."

He drew his screwdriver from his pocket and opened the door. Stepping through cautiously, prepared for an attack, he found the room empty. Well, he would just wait.

He walked over to the window to watch for her when she crossed the university grounds. It wasn't until then that he saw it. Clear as day and high in the sky. This is what happens when you don't do an environment check, and your trusty spaceship is an evil and deceitful machine. River had always warned him to check before running out into who-knows-what…or where, for that matter.

This wasn't Florida. Not at all.


	6. Chapter 6

She blinked her eyes rapidly. When that didn't work, she rubbed them with a vigor that could have left her blinded. Luckily, there were only a few twinkling lights, and when those eventually faded, so had the crossing. River had been staring at the holographic text so long that her sight was beginning to betray her as if to say, "Enough's enough!" She crossed and placed her arms on the table and let her head rest there for a moment.

She had almost made it. She had had her hand on the door when she stopped and exhaled a breath and a groan. Dropping her head, River had begrudgingly spun around and made her way to the library instead. Withdrawing from the class might have made her days more enjoyable, but her life overall would have become unbearable. She would rather sit through months more of confusing and irrelevant physics lectures than hear one more Doctor lecture about the "responsibility of the time traveler…a basic understanding of physics is a must, River…Archaeology is rubbish enough…"

She couldn't…no, wouldn't…tell him why it had to be archaeology. There was no way that she would give up that much of herself to him, especially without assurance that he felt the same. She had a life to live – a life with an unexpectedness with which she felt ill-equipped to handle. It was a daily struggle to figure out how to make it work in spite of all that she had been taught to know and practice.

She was a war machine. Albeit, a war against a single man, but an instrument of destruction, nevertheless. It was all River had ever known…assassination. But as it turns out, life wasn't death. Life was friendship, loyalty, morality, family, belonging, protecting, learning…rejecting, struggling, crying...loving. Living now meant loneliness.

She supposed the argument could be made that the other path guaranteed solitude and self-destruction, and that the life she had chosen to pursue held promise and intimacy. But River would argue that it was a worse kind of loneliness. Now she knew what was missing…exactly what was missing. Who was missing. She had parents that cared for her and a man that had yet to make a promise to her – all of whom were together, while she fought for a new life against what instinct drove her towards. It was her nature to want to inflict hurt and pain and do as she damned-well-pleased. What was she to do now? The straight and narrow held many more curves and dangers for her than did the road to carnage. Carnage, she knew well. Honor, not so much.

And one thing was for sure, she absolutely did not know physics. River reluctantly lifted her head to resume studying the material when she heard the familiar chiming of the end-of-day bell. A bit disgusted that she'd wasted so much time and relieved to be released from the turmoil, River quickly gathered her materials and shut down her work station. She had yet to get accustomed to her new environment, and she felt uneasy about being outside alone after end-of-day.

As she made her way from the library to the dormitory, several students greeted her along the way and some even stopped to invite her to this or that. More often than not, she politely feigned excitement and accepted their invitations, knowing that she would choose instead to spend her time alone. Not that she always isolated herself. Quite often she would join friends for drinks at a local pub or the occasional university party, but for the most part, she spent her time trying to devise new ways to find him. Luck and whims were not working out so well.

"Hey, River! Wait up!"

River spun around scanned the crowd for the voice. A tall and athletic blonde woman was jogging towards her. She raised a hand and waved in response as her friend caught up.

"Damn, I've been calling you for ages! Ignoring me again?" The woman smiled between heaving breaths and fell in step with River.

"Sorry, Jack. Doing some mental physics. Guess I didn't hear you," River replied weakly. Something about her friend made her nervous. Well, not something…everything about her. Rarely did anything make her anxious, but this woman definitely set her on edge. She quickened her pace. "Trying to get back before the light fades."

Jack turned and walked backwards, rather close and facing River. She reached out and tucked a stray curl behind River's ear. "Always afraid of the dark, Ms. Song," Jack leaned in close and whispered with a wink. "There are no monsters in the dark here, River. The things that happen in the dark here are what dreams are made of."

River smiled tentatively when Jack giggled at her obvious discomfort. Several weeks before, River had had a bit much too much to drink and had been cornered in the ladies by the daughter of the pub's owners. Jack had kissed her, and River had responded to it…rather urgently, in fact. In a life discarded, River would have had Jack nude and begging for mercy in only minutes. However, she broke the contact and declined apologetically. But Jack had sensed something in her, and she refused to let it go. Truth be told, the flirtatious woman exuded a sexiness that River fought hard against. She may have had a longing in her heart for an elusive time traveler, but all the other parts of her responded to outside stimulus perfectly well. And Jack was nothing else if not stimulating.

"Oh, I'm sure the dark has wonders to behold," River suddenly felt a bit coy herself. "Or at least, that's what I've heard…"

A smile spread across Jack's face, and River was sure she saw a blush rise in the woman's cheeks. "Is that so?"

"That's the word around campus. But you can't believe everything you hear, I guess," River flirted.

"And some things are right on the mark, River Song." Jack stared directly into her eyes, and River felt that stirring that she had suppressed for far too long.

They had reached the lawn in front of her dormitory just as the light began to fade. River stopped for fear that if she didn't, Jack would follow her to her room. And River was only prepared to flirt. The thought of seeing it through made her a bit nauseous. "Well, this is me…."

"Hey, River…." Jack now appeared to be the more nervous of the two. "Next week is my birthday, and I have this heinous affair I'm obligated to with my parents, but I was wondering…"

River began searching her excuse databank for an acceptable reason to be unavailable while the other woman stumbled over her words.

"…if you'd like to meet at the pub afterwards. Just for a drink, I promise. No strings." For all the shameless flirting, Jack really liked River and wanted to start something more substantial than the occasional sexual escapade. That much was obvious by the tone of her invitation.

River really didn't have the heart to decline the softness in the woman's voice. She took Jack's hand and gave it a gentle squeeze. "Sure, Jack. It's your birthday, yeah?"

"Ok. Yeah. Great. Well then, I'll catch up to you after class on Tuesday to finalize, ok?" The woman let go of River's hand and began jogging backwards.

"Yeah. Tuesday." River felt panic begin to bubble in her gut. Something told her that this would not end well.

Jack waved goodbye and sprinted across campus into the darkness. River climbed the steps quickly and disappeared inside the building just as the last of the light faded.


	7. Chapter 7

River placed her palm on the security keypad outside her room and opened the door. The room was thick with the darkness that follows the end-of-day. She dropped her bag on the floor near the desk and collapsed onto her bed. Whoever had designed the room had apparently graduated near the bottom of the class: the light switch was on the far wall from the door. So, she laid there in the dark, contemplating her day…and waiting. And waiting.

"I've read about a species called the Vashta Nerada. They look like shadows, but looks are deceiving. They are actually schools of tiny flesh eaters."

Nothing,

"So, are you an evil flesh-eating shadow or are you an evil lecture-giving Time Lord? Either way, you deserve what you have coming to you," she informed the shadow that was sitting in a chair with its legs crossed and propped on the window ledge.

"Are those my only options?" a voice answered back. "Carnivorous shadow or obnoxious, yet brilliant, time traveler?"

"If you're something or someone else, I'll just shoot now and ask questions later."

"Tried that once or twice already, remember," the Doctor replied. She could hear the smirk in his voice.

"Well, this time it is personal. I'm unsure how the new me feels about second chances," River rolled over on her side facing the Doctor and propped herself up on one elbow. "But I'm a crack shot even in the dark. Just how good are you with that screwdriver, Doctor?"

"Speaking of the dark, I must say that I am very impressed with the university's daylight simulation program. Impressed enough to admit that I was fooled," he said as he stood to look out of the window at the glowing Earth.

"It serves its purpose, I suppose. Though I don't think the sun shone quite so bright on the Earth as I remember it. It's certainly better than the alternative," she reasoned.

He turned from the window and looked in her general direction, unable to see anything except the glowing light switch. "Which alternative would that be?"

"Perpetual darkness…" River answered, her voice filled with sadness.

The Doctor walked towards the light switch carefully. "Don't turn it on yet, please," he heard her say. He felt his way over to the bed and sat down, his need to be nearer to her felt heavy in his chest.

"I wasn't afraid of the dark, even as a kid. And as an adult, I couldn't imagine that there could be something in the dark any more menacing than myself," her voice was slightly more than a whisper.

The Doctor pushed himself backwards to sit up against the wall. "What changed?" He waited for several minutes before he heard her voice, suddenly soft and fearful-sounding – very unlike the new or old River.

"Doctor, what are the chances that the Silence are looking for me?"

"I'd say the chances are likely to most certainly," he answered quietly. When she didn't respond, he asked, "Is that why you chose Luna over an Earth-based school?

"Well, I didn't really have choice, did I? This is where you left me."

"No, this is when I left you. You may have not have had a choice of the time, but you are free to go where ever you please, Ms. Song," he countered.

"I don't like it when you call me 'Ms. Song.'"

He could hear the familiar tone of disgust in her voice, and it made him smile. "You will one day."

"Not today. It's patronizing." She sat up and leaned back against the wall beside him.

"Sorry….River….." She was close enough to reach out and touch, but he knew that it was too early. They had not touched since the day in the banquet hall in Berlin.

They sat silently in the dark, the faint sound of their breathing the only noise. The darkness between them was crowded with unspokens, and neither seemed to be willing to open the door of dialogue for the other.

"It looks like you've made some friends, yeah?" The Doctor had seen River on the lawn talking with Jack, and although he was still devastated and confused by the events in the alley, he felt that there was something more pressing that needed to be discussed. He just didn't know what it was, so he waited.

"Someone come by here?"

"Oh, no. I saw you talking with a girl outside before you came in," he answered, trying to keep the venom out of his voice. He wasn't exactly sure where he was in the timestream. The alley may not have happened yet, or it may have happened many times since.

"Yeah, I've made a few friends. Nothing to write home about, really," If I had a home….she thought to herself.

"Well, she looked nice," he probed, seemingly nonchalantly.

"She is," River said as she considered how much information to give away about her friend. She decided to use what she knew as a test, of sorts, for this man who was the supposed love of her life. "I think she has a thing for me, actually."

"Yeah?" he squeaked out, unable to hide his concern. "What makes you say that?"

"I guess my first clue was the kiss," she teased.

"She kissed you?" A higher pitched squeak. "Where?"

"Umm….on the lips?" She was beginning to enjoy his discomfort. Let him be the one without the control for once.

"I assume on the lips. I meant, where were you?" He sat a little straighter and crossed his arms over his chest nervously.

"At a pub her parent's own. In the ladies. I might have been a bit pissed," she explained with a small giggle.

"Yeah, well, that's nice I guess. To have made a friend…a kissing friend, even. How very….friendly…of you," he stammered, unsure of how to respond without giving away what was eating at his insides.

River leaned over and touched her shoulder to his, reassuring him quietly, "It was just a kiss, Doctor. Nothing more."

"Really makes no difference to me, River," he lied, unconvincingly. "You are an adult, making your adult choices, doing your adult things….We want you to be able to live your own life outside of our watchful eyes. Yep, you can be sure that there are no eyes…watching you, I mean…nope, none at all…." The Doctor gazed around the dark room, avoiding any impossible eye contact.

"Well, then in that case, she has invited me for drinks next week. I was hesitant about going, but if I have the full support of Team TARDIS…."

"River, I would prefer that you not go," he interrupted her, murmuring the request so faint that he was afraid he'd have to repeat himself. He rolled his head against the wall in her direction. "Please."

River immediately regretted teasing him when she heard the hurt in his voice. Although she couldn't understand why he would be so upset about a few drinks. "Okay," she whispered.

She reached out slowly and found one his hands. He entertwined their fingers, kissed the back of her hand lightly and placed their joined hands on the bed between them. River scooted closer to him and rested her head on his shoulder. "When does it get easier, Doctor?"

"It never gets easier, River. You and I can only hope for bearable," he answered.

"Doctor…." River ran her next question through her mind several different ways, trying to figure out which would be more likely to get answered.

"Here and accounted for," he joked, trying to lighten the mood.

"What will I be?"

"Usually a pain in the ass, with a smirk and an occasional roll of the eyes."

River laughed softly, then added, "Well, who will I be? All joking aside."

"What do you mean?"

"I'm in this new body that everyone calls 'River.' But I don't feel like River, exactly. I don't feel like I have earned 'River' yet," she let out a deep sigh, and then an admission. "I still feel like Melody, and…."

Her voice was breaking, and she stopped to quell her tears. The Doctor was terrified to interrupt, and even more terrified that he didn't have the answers to make it better.

"…and what if I never find her. What if, in my mind, I'm always Melody - no matter what my heart tries to convince me of…"

The Doctor had been drawing small circles on her palm with his thumb as she spoke. He was so overwhelmed with emotion that all he could concentrate on were those little movements and her soft skin as it rolled under his thumb.

She lifted her head from his shoulder and continued so softly he could swear he actually heard the tears fall from her eyes onto her cheeks. "I'll never regret saving you. I think it may be most important thing I'll ever do in my life. But the Silence is still in my head, and though I don't want to hurt you, just knowing that I have it in me still…it's still there, Doctor." She confessed, the words hanging between them in the dark, thick with shame and remorse. He felt tears drop from her face onto their hands below.

"River…." He knew that what he said in that very moment could be the most significant words she might ever hear, and he was clueless. How could he explain River to River? How could he explain River to anyone? So, he followed his instincts, regardless of the warnings his brain threw at him.

He placed a finger under her chin and raised her head slowly. He stroked her tear-streaked jaw with his thumb and leaned in, placing a feathered kiss on her lips. The Doctor rested his forehead to hers and listened to the sound of their breathing.

"My River," he whispered before leaving a faint kiss on her forehead. "You will be...fearless. You will be...courageous. You will be gentle and loving. You will be brilliant. You will always give me a run for my money and never let the opportunity pass to put me in my place." She felt him smile against her skin. "In short, River Song, you will be the most astonishing woman I have ever met. And the fact that you are scared that you might always be Melody is proof that you are already River."

He gave her hand a squeeze and kissed her forehead again. She raised her head and found his lips with hers. It was a gentle kiss and was over almost as soon as it began. "Doctor?"

"Hmmm…."

"Will you stay with me long enough to for me to fall asleep? I sleep so much better in the dark, but I don't like to be in it alone." She asked while yawning.

"Of course I will," he said as River withdrew from him and crawled under the linens. He sat at the end of her bed and placed a hand on her snuggled feet.

"Would it be too much to ask for you to lie beside me? Only until I fall asleep." The vulnerability in her voice was painful to hear. She wasn't alone in the anticipation for her to "become" River. This River was breaking his hearts.

He molded his body to hers, running his fingers gently through her hair, as they lay in the quiet darkness. It wasn't long before he heard the slow labored sounds he recognized as River's sleep. He would have drifted off along with her had he not heard the sound of the TARDIS outside her window.

With delicate movements, he left her bed and eased over to the door, careful not to bump into the physics book he had placed on her desk. "Believe me or not, you will need this in your journey to being River," he whispered as he opened and closed the door behind him and walked quietly down the hall - barefooted.


	8. Chapter 8

"You are killing me," he exclaimed as the TARDIS door closed behind him. "For once…just once…I would like to say, 'I want to go here' and have here be where I end up."

The Doctor walked over to the console and paused for a moment. He needed to see River, his River. Perhaps he could break her out of the stormcage for a good old-fashioned date, of sorts. What he needed right now was to be lovingly belittled and humored. He didn't even much care whether or not there were any physical shenanigans. He simply needed to be near his River. And he was almost afraid to ask or input any coordinates. Maybe he would tidy himself up a bit, first. Put on some shoes, for starters.

As he took the steps down from the platform, the TARDIS jerked into motion and sent him sailing across the floor and into the wall. "WHAT THE BLOODY HELL!" he yelled, lying crumpled in a jumbled mess. He pulled all his gangliness together and tried to stand up.

"I…have…had...just…about…enough….." was as far as he got before the ship came to an abrupt halt, once again knocking him to the floor. With almost superpower strength, he propelled himself to his feet and stood rigid, arms extended towards the floor with white knuckles glowing on clenched fists.

His voice was slow and low and saturated with hatefulness. "You have been tossing me around my past and future seemingly at your whim, and it ends now. When the universe is on the edge of disaster, please, by all means, drop me off where I'm needed…"

The Doctor walked angrily toward the console and shouted as he seemed to fly up the stairs, "BUT THIS IS HER LIFE!"

He braced his arms on the console and dropped his head. "This is my life," he added faintly. "It could all fall apart, and even if I do it all exactly right, it may still fall apart." The Doctor looked up at the scanner and was, once again, face-to-face with Date of Death.

The TARDIS suddenly powered down, leaving him in a nearly pitch black box. The only lights were runners leading towards the door. The Doctor felt his way to the steps and sat down, propping his elbows on his knees. He rested his forehead on clasped hands and debated his next move.

He had no idea where he was. He had not even taken the time to suggest a time and place to the ship. He knew where he wanted to be. He wanted to be on a picnic with River at the Fairy Fields or watching fireflies together during a spring evening on Earth. He wanted her to push him out of the way when it was time to fire up the TARDIS or roll her eyes when he asked, "What about this bowtie with this hat?"

He just wanted something that was easy, for a change. A day that didn't involve saving, solving and protecting, whether it be a people, a planet or River herself. He had seen it done for hundreds of years. A man shows up with a flower or two, a chaste kiss for his lady friend and off they go. Rarely did a date start with a spaceflight into the TARDIS or with the waving of a gun. Those beginnings certainly held their appeal; however, sometimes an unloaded "Hello, Sweetie" would be just as exciting.

But nothing about his version of a date seemed at all like River. Even in their tender moments, she never quite let go of her edge. She was always protective and comforting with Amy and Rory, usually taking on a role reversal. And he could sometimes see her eyes soften when a look passed between them. The passion and determination that erupted from her like a gas under pressure excited and motivated him, and most of the time, that's the River he wanted. That's the River who met him undressed at the end of a long battle. But seeing the vulnerable side of her in her early days led him to believe that there had been major event to mold River into...well, River.

How did River become the woman she would be from the girl she was? How did her mind transform from a reckless girl-assassin into a strong-willed self-assured woman without any reference point? Her own mother couldn't teach her how to be a woman – she was barely an adult herself. He couldn't imagine that her peers had been much help to her. It was no wonder that the River he had just left seemed to be drowning in her new self. And he didn't seem to be much help. Oh, you're very nearly perfect when you've grown up. Hang in there…someday we'll even like you…here's a kiss. Idiot.

The Doctor shook his head in disgust with himself. It felt right at the time, but maybe it wasn't enough. At the same time, he could go back a hundred times and say a hundred different things and still never be sure which choice made the difference. And that scared "young" woman fought against her fate to become his River. His amazing River. Something surely goes right for the newborn River somewhere, he was sure.

The running lights began to blink, as if to hurry him along. When he considered his options, he couldn't imagine that being wherever she'd brought him to be much worse than sitting in a darkened TARIDS feeling sorry for himself. So, he drug his long awkward legs behind him like weights and clumsily made his way to the door…suddenly indifferent to the TARDIS' games.

He stepped out of his ship and into a garden. He smiled. River's garden. Well, he supposed "garden" would be stretching it. It was more like a patch of earth where the more attractive weeds had decided to congregate. Or, as River called it, a garden.

When he looked down, he remembered that he was still barefoot…and rather half put-together. And he didn't care one way or another. Inside was his River. This he knew.

He walked across the lawn to the back door and knocked. Nothing. He walked around to the front door and knocked…without success. He could hear music playing clearly, so he reasoned that his knocking couldn't be heard over the music. The Doctor made his way back to the back door and slipped quietly in, a much needed peace settling in a soul that felt like it had been kicked around for days.

Somewhere inside this house was his River.


	9. Chapter 9

A single candle flickered in the center of the kitchen table, and he could see where plates had been cleared. Glasses, cutlery and napkins lay in two heaps in front of chairs that were pushed back from the table. His stomach growled, reminding him that it had been too long since his last meal…at this same table. The Doctor crossed the kitchen and peeked in the pots and pans on the stove, looked good and smelled familiar. He passed by the refrigerator and stopped to look at a picture of the four of them taken on the beach the summer before. The magnet was strategically placed over his face. The picture that was displayed before this one had been altered to include Amy, Rory, River and a tall, gingered- haired giraffe-looking creature. Oh yeah, this was his River.

That's when he noticed the vase of flowers on the counter. Tulips. Her favorite.

Surely not…

Not again….

And in her house!

The TARDIS hated him. That was still the only explanation. WHEN THE HELL WAS HE?

He looked around the kitchen as if trying to find someone with the answer, running his hands through his hair. But there was no one. It was just him, dishes in the sink, pots on the stove and fresh flowers gloating in a shiny vase, as if to say, "I am the tool of options." And options were squirming around somewhere in this house on a sweaty River Song as sexy music snaked around their naked sexy noises…after eating a warm and sexy meal shared in flickering sexy candlelight.

If he were human, he would have collapsed from panic and sensory overload.

Instead, he frantically looked around the kitchen for clues. What kind of former pseudo-Time Lordy archaeologist had no calendar available for immediate reference? A lousy one, that's what kind. He looked around the corner in the mud room and saw nothing but…well, mud. And a straw hat. Hmmm….straw. Never tried that one before. He fought the urge to pick it up.

He didn't remember seeing any other method of transportation outside other than River's "penile compensation" vehicle, as Amy called it. Which always disturbed him since River's parts were most definitely innies. And because Amy kept saying a "penis" derived word. Apparently, he didn't have near enough rules on the TARDIS.

He spun on one foot to return to the kitchen, and that's when he saw it. In the chair…where he had left it…as he was thrown out onto his ass.

He knew exactly when he was.

* * *

"… _.I just need to make one more stop and I'll be there quick as I can. I want to send you back with some flowers for Amy…"_ The words came to him as easily as if he'd said them himself. She'd been late returning home from classes, and he was whining, like only he could – charmingly. "River! I'm hungry…..waaaaaaaa!" is quite how it sounded in his head, retrospectively.

The Doctor had positioned himself in front of her television and played the video games she kept there to occupy him while she worked on her dissertation. He eventually heard her stumble through the door and swear over the sound of grocery bags hitting the floor. He waited for the explosion to subside before shouting insincere offers to help, which she declined, of course. There were random clangings and clinkings of kitchenware for quite some time before she emerged covered red goo. He had laughed and made some joke about slaughtering their dinner. And in true River-fashion, she rolled her eyes, threw her kitchen towel at him and disappeared into her bedroom for over an hour.

He was so absorbed in the game that he caught only the smell of her when she reappeared. A flash of the palest blue drew his attention away from the television as she walked down the hall and into the kitchen. She had changed into a flimsy sleeveless dress that was appropriate for the hot and humid summer days of her newest home. Her hair was tied loosely, and she was barefoot.

He took inventory of himself. Same old tweed jacket, trousers, braces and bowtie. He looked like some old history professor who had been found in a closet and dusted off for museum display. He scratched his head and tried to figure out a way to fix it, but there was really nothing that could be done. Suddenly, bowties were the anti-cool.

"Well, come on then," she demanded from around the corner. "If you are counting on me bringing it to you, you'll starve." As she turned away, he heard her mumble, "…and deservedly so…I hope you burn your tongue…"

He decided to let it pass. She had been known to try and kill him a time or two. He was not feeling that luck would look favorably on him again. The kitchen was lit only by a single candle – she could easily stab him with a serving spoon before he knew what was happening.

"I've already made your plate and poured your Kool-Aid. Grab the napkins, will you?" River sounded as if she were feeding a child.

"This smells fantastic, River," he whispered as he bent down to spread the napkin in her lap. He gently pushed her hair aside and left a kiss on her neck, feeling her shiver as the very tip of his tongue grazed her skin.

He walked around the table to sit, rather pleased with himself, and saw something under a red bow in his chair. He looked at River with a wide-eyed look of an anxious child, giggled and pointed to the gift. "That's for me, isn't it? It's in my chair. Nobody wants a gift that has been where I put my walking-away end."

River couldn't help but laugh at the man who was all but jumping up and down in front of her. "Actually, it's for my Wednesday man-friend, but I got my days mixed up," she teased as she sipped from her glass of wine.

"How irresponsible of you, Dr. Long-Time-Ago," He reached quickly for the gift as if it were in danger of being snatched from under the table. "Finder's keepers." He opened the lid of the box slowly, as should any gift from River be opened.

It was a royal blue jockey cap shouting "TEAM TARDIS" in the brightest white lettering he'd ever seen. He chuckled excitedly and promptly put the cap on his head. "Yeah? It's hot, right?"

"I was wrong. Perhaps you don't have a head for hats," she said with a wink. "My mistake."

"This head was grown specifically to wear hats. Just you wait…" He placed his napkin in his lap and began eating his salad. He hated eating someone's garden, but he was afraid not to eat an acceptable amount before diving into the pasta. "I need a bright blue tweed jacket, yeah? I'd look right smart, I think." Two bites.

"Please take that hat off. I half-expect an actual horse jockey to jump out from under it and scurry under the table," she answered. "It's not for wearing, Sweetie. It's a novelty."

"I can rock this hat."

"Take off the hat."

He reluctantly removed it and placed it in a nearby chair. "Now, how's the awfully long, boring and indulging writey thing going?" Three bites.

"My doctorate dissertation? That indulgence?" She asked with raised eyebrows. "Put the salad away. It's painful to watch."

The Doctor gave her a look of gratitude and rubbed his hands together in appreciation of the delicious-smelling plate of red food in front of him. "Yes, that thing. Are you finished with that yet?" He looked up at her with a mouth full of pasta, chewing as much as was possible without choking.

"Sometimes I wonder how mealtime must look on the TARDIS if none of your companions have bothered to teach you table manners." She watched him chew, bewildered.

"What?" He managed to find a place for a bite of bread.

"Nothing."

"So, are you done yet? Can you come with us to the Singing Towers?"

"Please stop talking," she pleaded and made circular motions with her finger in direction of his mouth. "Let's just enjoy our dinner, honey."

He picked up his glass and chased the volume-defying bite down with his favorite Earth invention. "Yay…" he smiled sweetly, adding, "…cherry. If I take socially acceptable bites, can I speak without fear of retribution?" he asked, only half-jokingly.

She looked up at him and giggled at his unintentional Kool-Aid mustache, nodding. They played timestream catch-up. She briefly explained her progress on her anthropology work, and he spun tales of adventures he'd run up on since Amy and Rory left to begin their family plans. From the outside looking in, one would have assumed them to be any other couple having dinner. It would be fantastical to learn that he was a time traveler in possession of hundreds of years and that she was the weapon raised to destroy him.

They sat around the table long after they had finished eating, engrossed in random conversations. There was always so much time to bridge when they saw each other. The Doctor still felt it was important for River to establish a life independent from him, so he stayed away as long as his he could bear it…which was shorter and shorter lately. And the nights were getting longer and longer.

The light from the candle cast a beautiful glow on River's face. "You are absolutely exquisite, River Song," he said before leaving his chair and walking over to her.

She blushed and responded as only she could, "And that look continues to work for you."

The Doctor extended his hand to her, pulled her from her chair and led her out of the kitchen. He spun her and walked her backwards into the sitting room with his hands on her hips. When they reached the back of the couch, he pinned her against it lightly and ran the backs of his fingers up and down her bare arms. "You should always live in warmer climates, Ms. Song," he said softly as he placed a kiss at the base of her throat.

A small moan escaped from River, and she tangled her hands in his hair. She rolled her hips into him as he trailed kisses up her neck and behind her ear. He reached behind her, released her gathered hair and pulled gently at a few curls. River slid his jacket down his arms and loosened his bowtie, never taking her eyes off his face. The Doctor cupped her face and brushed her lips with his thumbs. They parted slightly and River let the tip her tongue glide over the pad of the fingers. He closed his eyes and clenched his teeth as she turned her head and kissed the palm of one of his hands. His other hand slid behind her neck and brought her lips to his. He teased her, running his tongue along her top, then her bottom lip. He caught her bottom lip between his teeth and pulled it through with just enough pressure to make her whimper. When their mouths met, it was with perfect movements. He felt her knees buckle slightly when their tongues began to dance.

She suddenly broke the kiss. "It's tonight…"

He slid a strap of her dress over her shoulder and traced swirls on her skin with his tongue. "What's tonight?"

"We have to see this through, Doctor." She stood a little taller and began kissing his neck. "No more waiting…"

He stopped his teasing and searched her face for the answer he wasn't prepared to hear.

"We haven't…" His voice trembled, and he backed up from her a bit.

She looked knowingly and compassionately into his face and shook her head.

"This will be our first night together, Doctor," she whispered.

She caught him just as his knees buckled.


	10. Chapter 10

The Doctor sat in a kitchen chair and fiddled with the cap, tracing the lettering across the front _. T.E.A.M._  That's what they were. All of them, even though they were no longer together as the label would suggest. Amy and Rory had left the TARDIS shortly after Berlin. They would occasionally tag along on pleasure trips, but Amy had threatened him with bodily harm if he led them into galactic warfare. He may be a bit harder to kill than others, but he could still be maimed and thwacks would still throb.

River rarely traveled with them, but she would host the lively bunch whenever they fell out of the sky into her sandy backyard…and that one time into her bathroom. The last time she had accompanied him in the TARDIS was the trip from 5130 to 2011. She had relocated to 21st century Earth to continue her doctorate work and had little time to entertain any of them between teaching and writing. However, they were able to pull her nose out of her books long enough for walks down to the beach and a couple of trips to the more friendly planets.

And the Doctor….well, he just continued on life as usual. He had been traveling alone during the months since the Ponds vacated. He preferred to joke that it was because of the family dysfunction of his last crew, but in his hearts, he was hoping that River would join him. He wasn't convinced that it was the best choice nor did he think that she would even consider it, but he was willing to wait it out for a while.

He stood and dropped the hat into the chair as he walked cautiously to the other side of the kitchen. The Doctor was going on faith that the TARDIS would not leave him to relive that heartache again and judging from the heat that remained in the pots on the stove, he hadn't been gone for very long. Maybe a couple of hours, at the most. He crept slowly into the doorway between the kitchen and the sitting room and did an environment check.

There were a few lit candles scattered on the mantle and the end tables, and the stereo threw off an awkward glow from the blue and green synthesizer lights as the music played. Otherwise, there was no other light throughout the house. The windows were pushed outward, and the curtains blew with the occasional breeze. The smell of the pasta had been overtaken with the smell of salty air and a looming storm. When the music was low enough, he could hear the water crash onto the beach just yards outside of her window.

And on the floor in front of the couch was River. She was leaned back against the red brushed leather couch with her knees bent up to her chest. He arms were wrapped around her knees, one hand holding a glass of wine. The candlelight danced across her hair and face indiscriminately. He had only a profile view as she stared into the dimly lit nothing. He could hear her voice in and out of the lyrics, and he couldn't be sure but sometimes the light would flicker across her skin to reveal what looked to be tears.

"… _.I will change if I must…slow it down and bring it home, I will adjust…Oh, if only, if only you knew…everything I do is for you.."_

As he continued to lean against the doorframe and watch her, he ran those words over and over in his brain. Certainly very few lyrics could capture River's journey as did those. For all her eye-rolling and sarcasm, no one had ever looked at him with such sentiment, devotion, desire and tenderness. And truth. He spent so much time sorting through the bullshit, including his own, that it sometimes put him a little off-balance by how honestly she looked into him.

There had been women in the Doctor's past who loved him, and though he had regarded them with great affection and had loved them in his own way, it didn't compare to what River was offering him. She had made no grand proclamations nor did she pine quietly. There had never been any need to speak the words between them. Words would only trivialize the power that kept bringing them together. She was simply who she was…imperfections and impeccabilities. And years down the road, she would have a soul as near to flawless as possible. She would live her life for the days that their paths would cross, but she would fill the inbetween with her own story. And he wanted to be a player in her life as much as the universe would allow.

His breaths were catching in his throat as he watched her doing absolutely nothing but contemplating. Suddenly it didn't matter that it would be the last time. At this very moment, it could well have been the only time for how much emotion was coursing uncomfortably through his body. His need to be near her and wrapped up in her was more than he could bear.

" _You've been on my mind…I grow fonder every day…lose myself in time…just thinking of your face….God only knows, why it's taken me so long…to let my doubts go…you're the only one that want…"_

He pushed himself out of his leaning position and tried not to run over to her.

* * *

River scraped the remaining food on their plates into the garbage and left the dishes in the sink. She didn't have the energy to do much more than that. The table was a mess, and the pots on the stove needed to be emptied, but unless they walked themselves over to the garbage, on the stove is where they would stay.

She opened a cabinet and reached for a clean wine glass. Her new plan for the evening was to pass out on the couch while music filled all the empty spaces, both inside and outside of her. She walked into the sitting room with her full glass and her nearly full bottle. River set the bottle on a side table and walked around lighting the candles that were supposed to be decorative. However, tonight she had a mood to create, and despondency required very little light. It had never really made sense to her why saddened lovers chose even sadder music for company, but she fell into tradition and rhythms of loneliness told the stories of despair and hopelessness.

River unlatched the two windows that faced the beach and opened them. It was a bit warmer outside than was comfortable, but she preferred the fresh air to being shut up in the house. She had spent the last seven years holding herself hostage under a simulation of Earth's atmosphere and a false daylight. She would suffer some temperature discomfort to be able to smell the ocean and feel the breeze dance over her skin. She lifted the dress over her head and tossed it over an easy chair. Standing in front of the window in her slip with her arms crossed and nursing her glass of wine, she watched waves break and roll over the beach. There was some rumbling in the distance, and she smiled to know that the heavens were also prone to internal disturbances.

River looked down the beach and caught her neighbor watching her from his porch. He gave a polite wave and tipped his own glass of wine to her. She smiled and returned the gesture before strolling over to the couch. She sat on the edge and then slid to the floor, pulling her knees up to her chest.

She tried to make herself as small as possible…because every inch of her ached for him. If her evening had gone as planned, he would be under her now. If she sat really still, she could still feel him stroke her arms and twirl his fingers in her hair. It would be so easy to give over to crying, but she would still be soul-sick. Tears were a sign of weakness, and she spent her life fighting weakness. If she were to give in, just once, she shuttered to think of the consequences.

River spent her days teaching her students to pour themselves into the past or to immerse themselves in the lives of others in order to make sense of their own existence. Archaeology and anthropology weren't just studies of the dead or the unknown. It was about investigating human nature and the human condition and the tenacity of peoples around the universe. She had decided to focus on certain Earth cultures for her graduate studies, and the more she immersed herself in her work the more she became affected by it. She feared that her objectivity would be compromised, but she felt helpless to stop it.

She had grown up on Earth, but it had been more of a holding cell. She had only one purpose for existence, and she had been taught little else. From shopping at the market to participating in various religious events, she was now being taught as much as she herself was teaching others. And River could feel the human half of her guide her forward. She understood that she would stumble and that she would sometimes get it completely wrong, but never so much that she couldn't make it right.

It took her leaving her world behind to finally come into her River-ness. She didn't know if she was the River she would be or the River that he needed her to be. But she was becoming a River that she was proud to be. And she had become a woman who could love and could understand what it meant to love.

Before she had pushed him out of the door, they had argued about his hesitancy to make that last commitment. He tried to explain that it wasn't a fear to give himself over, but to give up the last bit of himself. She had then shut herself off to him, and he knew it the moment he saw her eyes shadow over. It was only then that the Doctor had reluctantly told her what their first time would mean to him. His voice had trembled and his eyes reached out for comfort, but she had been too angry to let his words penetrate her wall. She searched her soul for something she knew would hurt him as she was being hurt, and she had let him believe that she could easily move on to someone new. And she was successful in a way that made her heart more than by anything he could have said or done.

The desperate truth was that she believed there would never be anyone for her but him. She may spend her entire life searching him out or waiting for him to show up, but he was  _it_  for her. She had spent the early part of her life being conditioned to hate him and training to end him, and she would spend the rest of her life trying to make it through the times he wasn't with her.

He'd never said the words, but he didn't need to. She hadn't put her heart into words, either. A thing didn't need to be said in order to exist. She felt an emotion that she had been specifically trained to ignore…guilt. Outside of the heat of the moment, she could acknowledge his fear and even admit to being horrified at the thought, especially when she had to consider that it was also her fate. She berated herself for causing him pain in addition to his burden of knowledge.

" _You've been on my mind…I grow fonder every day…lose myself in time…just thinking of your face….God only knows, why it's taken me so long…to let my doubts go…you're the only one that want…"_

River rested her head atop her knees. Tears won and spilled over onto her cheeks, and when her eyes came back into focus, she saw two barefeet buried in the carpet in front of her. She looked up to see him kneel and reach out gently brush her tears from her face.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song lyrics are Adele's One and Only. Really sets the mood if you have it handy.

He smiled a smile that removed any need for verbal communication. In one fluid movement, he kissed her forehead, swung a long stilty leg over her head, and settled his sitting-place on the couch behind her.

"Don't know why I'm scared…I've been here before…every feeling, every word, I've imagined it all…you'll never know if you never try….to forgive your past and simply be mine..."

He started with her shoulders, kneading his fingers deep into the muscles, thumbs circling with pressure under her shoulder blades. Her head fell forward, groans of appreciation and relief escaping her throat as his hands worked the tightness from her posture. Along the sides and back of her neck, he manipulated the muscles until she felt like her head would roll off her shoulders. As his fingers began to dance lightly across her clavicle, she rested her head against his chest. The pressure had been replaced by feathery light traces along the bone and then leading down her arms, which continued to hug her knees. He made a path down her arms to the very tips of her now extended fingers and then back up to the base of her throat. River almost felt the need to turn around to see if the man behind her was still her beautifully clumsy Doctor.

"I dare you to let me be your….your one and only….I promise I'm worthy to hold in your arms…So, come on and give me the chance….to prove I am the one who can…walk that mile….until the end starts"

The Doctor rubbed the backs of his fingers along her jawline and into her hair, threading his hands through the curls. He gathered most of it at the base of her neck and lifted it to expose the skin underneath. She felt his warm breath on her skin when he bent down to whisper, "River, you kill me in more ways like this than you ever could with a weapon." A jolt of energy shot through her as he left a trail of kisses from behind her ear to her collarbone. She could feel his arousal pressing into her back. That alone elicited a guttural moan from deep within her.

He slid his hands down her sides and gripped the flimsy fabric of the slip, raising it slowly up and over her head. The Doctor was thankful that he wasn't face-to-face with the bare chested woman in front of him – it took almost everything he had to keep from rushing it along. Perhaps in another time and another place, but this was the last time and the last place.

"Have I been on your mind….you hang on every word I say.…lose yourself in time….at the mention of my name….will I ever know….how it feels to hold you close.…and have you tell me whichever road I choose, you'll go…"

He scratched his nails across her abdomen, and River rolled her hips outward, letting her legs fall to the floor. He took a breast in each hand and rubbed circles over her nipples while he carefully bit the tender spots on her neck. She reached up and ran her fingers along his scalp and through his hair, giving it gentle tugs. He brought his thumb to his mouth and moistened it before rubbing it across her lips, and he teased the skin above the remaining satiny undergarment with the other hand. As he tugged on her bottom lip, she opened her mouth slightly to welcome his thumb, rolling her tongue around it and bearing down with her teeth enough to make him wince slightly.

His hand traveled under the fabric and was encouraged further by slight thrusts of her hips. He took one of her hands in his and brought them both to her breast. He felt her hand flex around the shape of it and let out a groan of his own when he felt her pinch her nipple. Her other hand followed his into her panties and guided his fingers over the bundle of nerves, applying just the right amount of pressure and pace to make nerve endings throughout her body stand on end. River rocked into his hand, and he slid a finger inside her. She covered his hand with hers and pushed him deeper in while the heel of his hand slid along her throbbing core. He turned her head and bit along her neck hard enough to leave marks as she snaked her free hand behind her and stroked him over his trousers. The Doctor slid another finger alongside the first and made scissoring and undulating motions within her. She felt her body near climax and hastily removed his fingers…she needed him to see her at that first climax. River brought his hand up to her lips and took the fingers in her mouth. The Doctor bucked into her hand and growled a low moan. She smiled to herself knowing that she was causing him such pleasurable discomfort.

She leaned forward and spun around on her knees, looking into his eyes for the first time since he'd crept up on her. She took in his haphazard appearance – there wasn't much to do since he'd shown up untucked, barefoot and bowtie-less. He moved in closer to her, and she slowly unbuttoned his shirt and slid it down his arms, kissing a trail down his stomach to the waistband of his trousers. He cupped her under each jaw and tried to pull her face to his…he needed to feel her under his lips, but she gave him a gentle shove backwards onto the couch. River locked eyes with him as she freed the button of his trousers and tugged them over his hips. She raised an eyebrow and laughed faintly when she had only the trousers from which to free him.

He had forgotten that he'd neglected to put on boxers under his trousers. He blushed and smiled sheepishly. "I was in a bit of a hurry…."

"Shhh…" She put a finger to his lips, which he kissed before she removed her hand to join the other as they ran up the length of his legs. He had been nude before her countless times before, but the raw desire in her eyes made him feel more naked than he had ever been. He felt stripped down of more than just his clothes.

"I know it ain't easy….givin' up your heart….I know it ain't easy….givin' up your heart….nobody's perfect….trust me, I learned it…"

River kissed up the inside of each thigh and stopped just short of where he desperately needed her. She looked up at him hungrily and then took him into her mouth. His hips jerked with the sensation of her tongue sliding along the length of him. He watched himself disappear time after time, and the sight of her mouth taking all of him so effortlessly was nothing less than magnificent. She licked the palm of her hand and began stroking him while teasing his tip with circular tongue motions and soft suction. The Doctor threw his head back and tried to hold it together. "River..."

Sensing how close he was to losing it, River rose to her feet, and he sat up as she stepped out of her panties. The Doctor circled her waist with his arms and brought her to him, placing feathered kisses on her stomach and caressing long strides of his hands up and down the backs of her legs.

River took a step forward and crawled onto the couch with her knees, straddling him and forcing him backwards. As she towered over him, her fingers traced lines along his eyebrows, his nose and his cheekbones. They met at his chin and pulled downward to part his lips. The Doctor watched her face as it neared his and waited for her lips to brush across his. He was thrown off when she reached down between them and guided him into her as she finally brought her mouth to his. His brain was as much on fire as the rest of him. She moved slowly across his lips and across his lap. Their tongues met in a slow dance of need and desperation.

Sounds of the looming storm could be heard in the distance. The Doctor ran his hands down her back, leaving scratches and gripped her rounded flesh as she continued to grind into him. River broke their kiss and leaned forward over his shoulder, stretching out her arms and bracing herself against the back of the couch. She raised and lowered herself around him with slow deliberate movements that began to quicken as her breathing deepened. He met her thrust for thrust and slid his hand between them, keeping pressure with small strokes. The riding and grinding became frantic as their orgasms teased.

River tucked her hair behind one ear and leaned closer to whisper in his ear, "I'm sorry, my love. It's only ever been you and will always be you…" That was all he needed to send him over the edge, taking her with him. Her knees gripped him tightly, and he held himself as deep inside her as he could as they both rode out their tremors.

"So, I dare you to let me be your….one and only.…I promise I'm worthy to hold in your arms….so, come on and give me the chance….to prove I am the one who can….walk that mile…until the end starts…."


	12. Chapter 12

Thunder rumbled around the small beach house as the sound of the rain fell in rhythm to the music. They lay on the couch, covered by the cotton blanket he had pulled over them. The storm had cooled down the air a good bit, and the breeze was chilly across their damp skin. The Doctor molded himself against River, wrapping his arms around her and burying his face in her hair and the crook of her neck.

"So, did you make a sidetrip to Leadworth after you left here?" she asked quietly.

"Of course not. Not going to go running off to the in-laws. How very awkward."

"Since when?" She turned her head and looked at him out of the corner of her eye. "Can you make a decision about us that she doesn't stamp with approval?" She smiled up at him teasingly.

"That's rubbish, Ms. Song. I don't have the faintest idea of this nonsense of which you speak," he barely finished his thought without chuckling.

She slapped at his leg under the blanket and laughed. "You lyin' liar!"

"I stand strong in my truth," he said proudly and squeezed her a bit tighter.

"Seriously. Did you piddle around in the TARDIS in my yard for two hours? Waiting for me to come to you?"

"Actually, I spent several hours trying to get back to you," he confessed timidly.

"How so?"

"Well, I did leave, but only for a bit before I realized I had to come back. But the TARDIS saw things differently, of course," he continued.

"Of course," she agreed, waiting patiently for what she thought might be coming,

The Doctor couldn't decide whether to admit to what he saw in the alley, but he didn't think it was really the wisest choice to lie to River. So, he glazed. "First, she dropped me off in some horrid pub. Simply unacceptable…the dropping-off of me and the pub itself…only to reappear after I had gotten myself into a bit of a bind…"

"What kind of bind?" she interrupted.

'Well, that's a bit irrelevant to the story, really," he lied. "So, I raised some proper hell and insisted that she return me here…"

"And here we are…." River concluded incorrectly.

"No…not exactly…." There was a slight hint of shame in his voice.

"No, I didn't think so," she replied, more and more amused at his misadventures.

"Do you remember the physics class?"

"Ah!" Pieces were falling together as the story unfolded. "Barefeet."

"Yes...it's like a puzzle, isn't it? Time Lords make their own fun." He smiled, wide and innocent. "And that pretty much leads up to the here and now."

"Pretty much, huh?" She prepared to lower the boom, if it was the appropriate time for boom-lowering. "How pretty is the much?"

"I'd say cute enough. Why?"

"So, this pub…."

He shifted behind her and was thankful that she couldn't see the panic in his face. "Yes, horrid place, really. Did I mention that?"

"I believe you did. So, you were at the pub before you came to me that afternoon? What was the significance of the pub?"

"How should I know? Why does she take me many of the places I end up? Shits and giggles, I guess," He had decided to invoke the Deny and Evade strategy. "Now, about this writey thing…"

River had intended to come clean about Jack, but perhaps it was better if he thought he had rewritten that particular point in her timestream. No good could come from a full confession, really. She had had no intention of meeting Jack that night, as she had promised him, but the journey to becoming River hadn't just been paved with good intentions. There had been bits and pieces of Melody to creep in that had put everything into perspective. And Jack had fallen victim to Melody. It had only happened that once, and River had withdrawn from her friend and quietly moved on. Not her proudest moment, but quite possibly one of her wisest.

River snuggled into the Doctor as deep as she could and turned her head for a kiss. "You don't really want to talk about my 'writey thing'. Let's try on being quiet for a bit."

"I don't think I can do it. I'm giving you fair warning. Quiet is a concept that eludes me. Many have tried and failed to silence…"

"Shhhhh…."

"But what do I do between speaking times?" he whispered.

"I don't know, Sweetie. Concentrate on channeling your inner peace."

"Umm…I'm the Doctor. I love peace, and I promote peace. But sadly, I don't actually have any peace. It's a common misconception," he explained in hushed tones.

"In that case, think about how sad that must be for you," River closed her eyes and waited.

"That's really rude…."

"Shhhh….."

"Just wait until I see your mother…" he mumbled?

"What?" she turned her head back towards him.

"Nothing…shhhh….what exactly don't you understand about quiet time, Ms. Song. This is serious business," he warned, playfully before they both broke into laughter.

* * *

The storm passed over almost as quickly as it blew in. Their laughter could be heard through the open windows, and it was a detestable sound. Even if they took a notion to peer from the window, she would probably go unnoticed as she sat on her motorbike. She had witnessed the disgusting activities in their entirety. She supposed she and the Doctor were even for now.

But she knew that there was a final day coming for the Doctor. He was meant to die. Melody had been trained and given the responsibility to carry it out, but the tide had changed. She had betrayed the Silence, and that was unforgivable. A new recruit had been dispatched to seek retribution and had failed to produce the desired result. And although it had been decided that Melody must also die, the Academy had been open to a different punishment altogether for her. For the new Meoldy, this "River", her world could not exist without the Doctor, and plans had already been put into place.

So, Jack fired up the motorbike and headed west towards the deserts of Utah, a mane of white-blonde hair whipping violently from under the helmet.


End file.
